I try my best to keep a positive vibe here on my blog, yet life isn't always that way and I need to write to get things of my chest right now. I have a hard time dealing with a lot of things recently.

First of there's my job. It's not as bad since I do have a job but it's hard for me to deal with it since I've been to college for three whole years to get a bachelors' degree in graphic design which was my dream since high school and yet I've been 'stuck' behind a cash register at a supermarket since February last year. The last year and a half, two years, I've been sending out my resume and my portfolio to a hell load of companies and such and I always get the same answer over and over again "I'm sorry but you don't have enough experience".. Yes I do know I have less experience than someone who's been in the business for 5 years or more of course what do you expect from someone who just graduated? And this has been going on since October 2012. So where does this leave me? I couldn't gain any experience, since no one hires me. I feel like it's useless to even try at times.
It's so so hard because all I want to do is make posters and business cards, flyers and website layouts or books and I don't know, ANYTHING really. I feel like it's all been a waste. Going to school every day, trying my best not to fail theoretical classes just to have a degree I can't use. Just to have all these creative ideas I can't show.

Then there's love. I'm the kind of person who won't let someone in until I'm sure I won't get hurt or won't be used. And I did. I did let him in years ago. It took him a long time for me to open up to him but I did. And last year it all went to waste. I understand why. I really do. But I still struggle with the fact it's gone. It's all gone. And I can't get over it. And maybe I don't even want to let it go. Because it was real. I'm not saying it was always amazing. I won't lie. But whenever he was there I felt happy. I felt complete. And I'm not ready to move on from it and maybe I never will and it hurts. It keeps hurting.

And then there's my friend who's sick. And I can't help her. She can't even help herself and that kills me inside. Knowing I can't do shit to make her feel better.

And it all makes me so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of waking up every morning and doing the exact same thing over and over again. Yet I do and I don't have another choice than to do all this. But it needs to change, really everything needs to change. My feelings have to change. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I just want to be genuinely happy again.